How many of us go into relationships with our eyes wide open? Most single Christians would probably say they do, but even those of us that love God and desire His Will for our lives will misjudge our preparedness. We end up realizing our eyes were not as opened as we had thought. We expect a man to love us in a certain way, and we hope that he will be as generous and thoughtful as we believe ourselves to be. It’s disappointing to discover that this isn’t the case. It hurts when the man isn’t interested in making us a priority in his life. Most of us will chalk it up to the notion that the guy simply isn’t the right fit, and this is probably a correct assessment, but even so, it’s not the only assessment we should make.
Jesus Christ gave us a razor-sharp piece of wisdom in Luke 14:28(NLT), and it is unbelievably relevant to relationships and spiritual preparation for marriage. He said, “But don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it?” Many single people make a huge error in being lackadaisical about this verse. Relationships can fall apart before they get out of the gate because we don’t take the time to understand this amazing revelation.
Before we even begin to think about partnering, we should count the cost. Our eyes are often closed to the sacrifices, endurance, faith, dedication, patience, and commitment that a strong and quality significant relationship will require. It will exhaust us mentally and emotionally because it will require us to relinquish our hold on attitudes and behaviors that keep us stuck in selfishness, fear, and controlling habit patterns. We don’t want to give up these things, and our current way of thinking is that God is okay with us holding on to them. He’s not. Partnering will not come together for us until our hearts are loyal to God in a way that yields to Him totally. Many of us are not quite there.
Jesus Christ has set Luke 14:28 as a principle for life. It’s for everyone and every endeavor. Relationships require us to deny the “ME” and to be all about the benefit of the “WE”. Not many are willing to count the cost in this way. Our devotion to God sets the bar for all other relationships. Our commitment to Him signals the entire universe of our spiritual preparation to receive. Many of us try to fake it, but the truth is that if this kind of sold-out-ness to God isn’t in our hearts, we’ve not proven that we’re ready to receive what He has in store.
When it’s not in our hearts, God knows it, and any potential mate can sniff it out. Sometimes, the stench of our habit of trying to give God crumbs is what they smell, and it’s why they repel against us. It’s why some men are not inclined to offer us their devotion. Our mouths say we’re ready for it, but our hearts are singing a different tune. And Proverbs 4:23(NLT) affirms that the heart is what “determines the course of your life.”
Jesus Christ proclaimed in Mark 8:34-37(NLT), “34 If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. 35 If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it. 36 And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?” If we haven’t done this for Jesus, how can we pretend to know anything about the sacrifices required of us for marriage?
Marriage teaches and prepares as the Bride of Christ. That’s what marriage is all about. We don’t have to be perfect, but we at least have to be on the trajectory to being committed to yield and surrender completely and utterly to Jesus Christ. We have to understand that this is required. If our actions do not signal an understanding of this, we’re out of pocket. We’re not where we need to be spiritually.
For instance, we think we know what we want and need in a partner. Nine times out of ten, we don’t have a clue. We have all these criteria we expect our partners to meet. He can’t be too fat, too skinny, too dark, or too light. He can’t have double chins or wear thick glasses. He can’t have kids or take the bus. He can’t make less money than me or he can’t be too needy. He must have a college degree. He must have his own place, and he must have his own car. The list goes on and on of all our must haves. We set the stage with these, and we then expect God and the man to comply.
The common mantra is “I’m God’s best and I deserve the best.” While that may be true, we’re not the ones that determine what qualifies as ‘the best’, God does this. 1Samuel 16:7(NLT) tells us, “But the LORD said to Samuel, “Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The LORD doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” Our discernment and discrimination about what we want in a partner is secondary to God’s plan for our lives. No matter what we feel we deserve, it must never overshadow the reality that God knows what we need. He’s the Leader, we’re the followers. He knows how to bless us, and He knows the best fit for our lives. He requires our total surrender to His perfection and Will in every area of our lives.
You might think, “Well, after I’ve totally surrendered this area of my life to the Lord, what happens when I meet someone that likes me? How will I know he’s the one the Lord sent? How will I know he isn’t a trick from satan?” When the Lord makes a presentation, there’s no way not to know it. One of the ways Heavenly Father solidifies that we’ve met the man He has sent is that this man will demonstrate an extraordinary kindness, and this kindness will reveal his heart towards us. It’s a “Boaz” kind of kindness, one that will be very meaningful to you. It may be overlooked by most, but it will be a gesture that only the Lord will confirm. And it won’t stop there. If God has sent him, He will continue to confirm it as the relationship develops.
Again, God is not demanding that we be perfect in this area. We’re going to make mistakes and missteps along the way. However, when our heart’s motivation is to honor God and to please Him with our whole lives, He will continue to help us in the development and growth of a relationship that He sanctions. Meeting the person doesn’t mean that our spiritual preparation for marriage has ended. It means that we’ve counted the costs and are ready to build. We will have shown God that our hearts are fully open to Him, even while we’re still under construction.■
Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.
“I’m Open While Under Construction”, written by Kim Times, edited by Fran Mack for Sundie Morning Sistas ©2022. All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord!