Every now and again, I dust off my chronicles of being single and desperately wanting to be married. I share them with anyone that might be inspired by my testimony. For sure, it is most definitely a testimony that set the stage for the rest of my life, and I say this because I believed myself at that time to be pitiful indeed. Just coming out of the poorest excuse for a relationship that anyone could have, I was pining away for someone that meant well, but just didn’t have a clue how to reciprocate the quality of love I had prayed to receive. I can’t really explain how I came to desire marriage in such a consuming way, but I did. I felt desperate, and at that time, I didn’t understand how this desperation would ultimately shape and mold events that entangled my efforts and caused me to move at a snail’s pace towards the thing I wanted most.
Proverbs 23:7(KJV) tells us, “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.” When I first heard this verse preached, the lightbulbs didn’t just go off, I had bolts of lightning striking so fiercely in my head and heart, that I couldn’t contain myself. Although the context was not made clear, the revelation connecting a person’s thoughts to the reality they experienced each day resonated so deeply within me. I was beside myself with giddiness, because I finally had a piece of the puzzle that made sense. Proverbs 23:7 didn’t say as he thinks in his mind; it said ‘as he thinks in his heart!” I knew then that the heart is the seat of our being—a deep place for sure.
When thoughts are thought so often that they become a mindset, they begin to mold patterns and behaviors. This is when these thoughts leave a mark on the mind and then move to set up camp in the heart. And in the heart, they become entrenched, because the heart is a container—its where we harbor and keep things. So, again, these thoughts that make a mindset that then will mold patterns and behaviors—these are the thoughts that will get stored in our hearts; and the heart is a deep place. Once stored in that deep place, we don’t even think about what we’re doing any more. It’s automatic programming.
This is how we program ourselves for negativity. I programmed myself to be desperate, never realizing that desperation for another human being was beneath my privilege as a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ and as a child of God. We should only be desperate for God through the Lord Jesus Christ. So, because I believed that another human being could give me something or fulfil a need within me greater than God could, I was in darkness, even though I was saved.
God tells us in Ephesians 4:23 to be renewed in the spirit of our minds, He’s commanding us to open the door to the transformation process. It is a process where the entrenched stuff can be shaken out of us, because if it isn’t, we’re no good to ourselves in any Godly pursuit. We’ll just keep going around in circles, never moving forward. I am not ashamed to admit that I drove myself nuts and anguished miserably in loneliness and sadness, with a poor sense of self. I wanted a man almost at all cost, but before I made a horrible mistake, the light of Christ beamed through the cracks of my ignorance, and the mercy and grace of God took hold of me.
The epiphany of all epiphanies flooded my understanding and my sense of self was drenched with the love of God. I knew in the moment of my awakening that I could not receive into my heart someone the Father had not groomed to walk with me through life. It was in that moment that I knew all I needed was in Christ. I didn’t know how I would move from one day to the next with my new conviction, but I wanted God to be pleased with my life more than any other thing. I stood as flatfootedly on the solid foundation of Christ as I could at that time and decreed that if there didn’t exist a vessel who was as much a man as I was a woman, I would journey with the Lord without a husband.
God was not withholding the blessing of a spouse from me, but as a person thinks, so is he or she. My thoughts had been anchored in desperation; and therefore, I became desperate—a magnet to pull only those who respond to a deserted state of being. I thought another human being could make me whole. None of us have this power; it can only be found in the person of Jesus Christ! Colossians 2:10(NLT) tells us, “So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority.” We are complete in Christ. This is the truth! Anything outside of this reality is a lie, and when a lie drives us, as my desperation did, our destination will be doomed.
I sought a husband, and thought I was seeking love. But who can love us more deeply than Jesus? In Jeremiah 29:13(ESV), God said, “You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” Our sole motivation in life should be to seek God with all our hearts. It is the most worthy endeavor any of us can undertake. If within our hearts this very moment, there isn’t a burning desire to know God as fully as He can be known, then we are putting other things and desires before Him, and this is a mistake so costly that it cannot be quantified.
God tells us to in Romans 12:1 to present to Him all that we are and can ever hope to be. Every part of us belongs to Him, and He is indeed a jealous God. He will not allow room in our relationship with Him for any worship of idols, nor can we put anything above our allegiance to Him. Lovingly, He drew me as I began to understand my errors, and to walk more closely in my Christ identity. I sought the Lord, put His kingdom first, and put my desire for marriage on the back-burner. After my mind was renewed in this area and after the Holy Spirit worked within my heart, I felt led to go into a long period of prayer in the Spirit for marriage. Shortly after this period, I met my husband. God is faithful. ■
English Standard Version (ESV)
The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Text Edition: 2016. Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.
Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.
“God Is Faithful!” written by Reverend Fran Mack, edited by Kim Times for Sundie Morning Sistas ©2019. All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord! SMS is dedicated to inspiring and encouraging Christian Women through the Word of God.