Proverbs 10:12(NLT)
“Hatred stirs up quarrels, but love makes up for all offenses.”
Some women seem to thrive on confrontation, and they always want to be right. Whether in restaurants, work, or anywhere really, they give off the vibe that they’re just waiting for an opportunity to crash out on someone. The wrong words, a perceived side eye, or anything like an attitude they don’t like can set them off. Some men refer to women like this as “hard”, understanding that being in a relationship with them means staying on guard constantly. A woman’s choice to be ‘hard’ may paint her as someone with a lot of pent up hostility, but often there’s regret and fear underneath that exterior. Her projection as a hater or someone combative and overly critical can be a defense mechanism, a way to keep people at arm’s length so she doesn’t have to risk being hurt again.
We attract people who respond to what is going on in our hearts. So, how does a woman with this tendency attract a man who responds to love and not to her internal conflict? If this is your tendency, you must muster the courage to be honest and ask yourself this deep and powerful question. Anyone that has a tough exterior is more likely to attract a person that mirrors their internal struggles. If a woman wants to attract a man that responds to love rather than conflict, she has to allow herself to be transformed by the Holy Spirit. Romans 12:2 (NLT) tells us: “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”
The Condition of the Heart Shapes Our Relationships
Whether she means to or not, a woman who has built her identity from pain, fear, or disappointment will naturally attract relationships that reinforce that same struggle. Proverbs 4:23 (NLT) says, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” The verse lets us know that our hearts speak a language that is beyond words. It draws or repels people to us. If our hearts are guarded by hostility rather than wisdom and love, a woman may find herself drawing men who are combative, emotionally unavailable, or looking for a challenge rather than a connection.
A Shift from Conflict to Love
A hater is a person that consistently expresses negativity, resentment, and criticism toward other people. They are driven by jealousy, insecurity, or personal dissatisfaction. Haters are folks who tend to belittle, undermine, or oppose others. Feeling threatened and envious, they don’t like to see people succeed or be happy. Here’s what we need to know, a hater will always have unfinished business.
James 3:14-16 (NLT) tells us: “14 But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying. 15 For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. 16 For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.” Being ‘hard’ often indicates some unresolved issues that are impacting a person’s soul in a harmful way. The unfinished business of a hater is to break this cycle—to shift from conflict to love by seeking the kind of transformation that only God can provide. Ezekiel 36:26 (NLT) speaks to this transformation: “And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.” This doesn’t mean that a woman becomes weak or loses her discernment—it means she becomes healed. Instead of operating out of fear or control, she can approach relationships from a place of peace, wisdom, and self-worth.
1 Peter 3:4 (NLT) tells us what truly attracts the right kind of man: “You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.” This doesn’t mean a woman must be silent or passive—it means that her strength is rooted in faith, not in a hardened exterior. A woman walking in God’s love will naturally attract a man who values that love rather than one who is about that drama. We’ve got to move out of survival mode into a posture of always trusting God to have our backs. When we do, we’ll attract a different type of relationship—one based on mutual love, growth, and understanding. ■
Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.
“Unfinished Business of Being a Hater”, written by Kim Times, edited by Rev. Fran Mack and KLizzie for Sundie Morning Sistas ©2025. All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord! SMS is dedicated to inspiring and encouraging Christian Women through the Word of God.